Weirdos, Too, Are Accosted by a Panhandler During the Solar Eclipse

I am not supposed to eat donuts. But I have a deep, deep fondness for crullers. I had been daydreaming about crullers for weeks. On August 21st, since I had a rough time with the collegiate clients, I decided: I will treat myself to as many crullers as I have friends among them, and I will have one per day.

I chose four crullers. It is not because I have four friends, but rather because the fourth one looked lonely.

So I packed my Wal-Mart groceries into my car. The eggs and crullers went into my front seat for VIP treatment. I had a final errand to run. I needed to buy a weird vegetable (Swiss chard????) and bananas that did not look dead (Levelland's Wal-Mart soundly beats all of its produce in a dark dungeon before it is stocked). Additionally, I required almond milk creamer, and only one place in town sells it: United.

So off I went to United and bought my weird chard. It had cherry-red stalks and almost looked like an accident. I was going to make a soup.

As I walked out to my car I saw an odd lady standing out by the exit. I guessed that she was a panhandler. She was hunched, probably 40-50, and greasy--greasy-haired, greasy face, with discolored, patchy skin. She was wearing brand new clothes, but that actually seemed jarring for some reason. The first phrase that leaped into my mind was, "Those are someone else's clothes." They fit her fine, but they were dazzlingly bright, blue and white. Like they'd never been lived in.

There was another shopper ahead of me, busily snapping at someone on her phone. The panhandler reached out and said, "Ma'am... I need some help."

Soooo I walked by, wondering if it were right for me to walk by. I was conflicted. The vibes said no. My compassion said yes. I just kept walking because I'd just worked a 12-hour shift and I was pretty sure she'd ask for money and I'd just used all my cash on laundry.

The lady who the panhandler had grabbed said "NO" to her like she was a dog. I winced, but I just kept walking.

I was halfway to my car when I had the feeling that someone was watching me. It was not a good feeling. It felt like I was being stalked. Not followed, stalked. I turned a little and saw that lady slowly shuffling after me, dazzlingly white and blue. Mary colors, I thought.

As I stopped to rearrange my groceries in the back seat of my car, I heard an, "Excuse me, ma'am."

It was that lady.

Do you ever see a person and just feel like they have been running on fumes for so long that they're essentially emotionless? All feeling has been carved out of them and the only human part of them is the intelligence and calculation. I felt terrible for her. In some truly terrible times of my life, I'd tilted lightly over the abyss. I didn't want to think about living at the bottom of it every day.

"Yes ma'am?" I asked.

"Can you drive me over to 9th Street?" she asked. "I live just over there."

The first thing in my mind is SO WALK THERE and the second thing was THIS IS SO WEIRD RACHEL STOP NO

The third thing came out of my mouth.

"Aw, sure. That's not too far."

Logic: NO SELF NO THIS IS HOW PEOPLE DIE

Feelings: Look, this poor old lady needs some kind of help. You help people who are mean all the time. Mean and odd people need more help than anybody.

Logic: SHE IS GOING TO ASK FOR MONEY.

Feelings: I'll tell her the truth.

Logic: YOU WILL BE STUCK IN A CAR WITH A CREEPY STRANGER AND THEN WHEN YOU STOP AT HER HOUSE NINE THOUSAND PEOPLE WILL JUMP OUT AND STEAL YOUR CRULLERS

Feelings: Naaaah I'll just talk to her

She had already walked to the passenger side of my car, opened the door, and sat down.

On my eggs and crullers.

"OH NO," I said.

"I don't want to smash the eggs," she said while still sitting halfway on my eggs like they were a seesaw and she a nimble lass of two.

"It's okay," I said, setting the eggs aside. So I sat down in my car and I grabbed my keys and as I did, she leaned over.

There was a look in her face that I can only describe as FEED ME FEED ME FEED ME. And it was not, as you might be imagining, the hungry eyes of someone who wanted help, who was needy or broken or hurting. It was the same face of a flesh-eating monster in a zombie flick. I swear on my life right now that my soul fled out of my body for a second.

"I need money," she said while still latched into my car.

Feelings: So... do we just like, leave the car now, strike out into the wild

My logical part was screaming nonstop. It had been screaming since she had sat on my crullers.

"I don't have money," I said in a tiny stupid voice. I mean yeah I had money but it was my rent money I can't give you my rent money.

"I BELIEVE YOU," she said in a deep, husky voice. I think what she meant to do was sound sarcastic. What she actually sounded like was I WILL GUT YOU LIKE A FISH.

"Ah," I thought. "Yeah, this was a mistake."

"I spent it all on laundry," I said.

She looked at me like it was the dumbest shit she'd ever heard.

"Give me two dollars," she said.

Two dollars for freedom and I'd used it all ON A LOAD OF TOWELS

"I want to buy some CORN BREAD," she said. Just like that. CORN. BREAD. ONE TWO PUNCH. Like if you could stab a person to death with words I would've died right there. Murdered by cornbread.

"I don't feel comfortable anymore," I said.

"You don't feel comfortable?" She shifted her whole body around to face me. I was horrified suddenly for some reason. "Can you drive me home?"

"I don't feel comfortable anymore, ma'am," I said sternly, looking her in the face.

That's the moment where the energy of our interaction changed. I think she kind of respected me in that moment, weirdly enough. I guess because most people treat her kinda shitty. Kindness and honesty really does get you places. Like, not killed.

Although by that logic I suppose we could also argue that kindness had put an unstable panhandler in my car but we won't quibble over the small details.

"Where do you live, honey?" she asked.

Logic: SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT HOW MUCH CAN SHE TELL ABOUT US SHIT WHAT IF SHE FOLLOWS YOU OH MY GODDDDDD IF YOU GIVE HER AN ADDRESS I SWEAR

Feelings: (had started screaming after the "I believe you" part and hadn't stopped)

"Oh, out... there with all the other students," I said, waving lightly in the direction of the college.

Logic: GOOD SAVE

She opened the door and leaned out, looking at me without blinking. Had she ever blinked? I couldn't remember. I felt like I was lingering within the gaping mouth of a lion.

"Maybe we'll meet in church someday," she said.

I laughed a little and looked nervously out of the window but this was not the time to say, "Nah, I'm an atheist."

"S-s-suuuuure," I said. "I really wish you the best ma'am."

"You too, ma'am," she said.

And with that, she trundled out of my car.

Two of my crullers were flattened, but the eggs were spared.

Look here, friends. I work in a rehab. We serve clients who have killed and hurt people. Many of them have been to prison or are going there. I'm almost never, ever afraid.

That day, though. That day a 50-year-old lady nearly made my soul come out of my body. With the word "cornbread."

I went to bed.